The end of the world is nigh! Wake up your children, wake up the dead (wait that happens after the Apocalypse) – we’re all DOOMED!

The CERN Large Hadron Collider has created a conspiratorial, legal and media circus – all concerned with the very rational fear of mini black holes being formed when the particle accelerator gets turned on. Somewhere deep under the Alps between France and Switzerland, scientists are building a machine so powerful, so awesome and so earth shattering, well consuming, that the fabric of our close personal universe will be ripped apart in a frenzy of gravity, or is that sucked into a inter-galatic wormhole. Or something like that. As reported in the Telegraph, an official statement from said evil scientist, who no doubt waited his entire comic reading life to say this states:

“…insisted that despite the huge amounts of energy the Large Hadron Collider will produce, it posed no risk to the safety of the planet.”

Is that a line out Mars Attacks or what!

“Professor Otto Rössler, a German chemist at the Eberhard Karls University of Tübingen…” is quoted in the Telegraph as saying “[m]y own calculations have shown that it is quite plausible that these little black holes survive and will grow exponentially and eat the planet from the inside.”

I much prefer Gail Collins’ view in the New York Times:

“…fretting about black holes is more fun than worrying about global warming; it feels very cutting edge and does not require recycling.”

I’m off to Whole Foods to by me some organically produced mini black hole repellant!


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